A few weeks ago, I overheard a young and obviously newly-wed couple talking about facebook. The husband, Alan, was gently but firmly assuring his wife that he had not 'added' his ex to his page and therefore should not be held accountable for anything she posted on his page. His wife, Emma, dutifully replied that not only was it his responsibility to veto each post made on his wall, but that he should also remove his ex from his 'friends', as this would prove his love and devotion to her.
I laughed as I imagined just what kind of couple they would become in 20, 40 or even 60 years. But my laugh became a smile and my smile, a grimace as I realised that there was a real issue at hand - who was in fact, right and would they ever come to a conclusion?!? Was it right for Emma to expect that, with her wedding ring, she would also have the right to exclude parts of her husband's past as she wished? Or, was he right in thinking that as long as he was not the instigator of the renewed 'friendship', it was fine to have old exes 'find' him, at the cost of his new wife's sanity?
I needed answers, so at my monthly 'girl’s night out', I asked a few of my girlfriends the question and not surprisingly, they stated that they 'would be extremely uncomfortable with their partners being in touch with their exes', an answer I expected. I followed up with the question I knew they all dreaded, 'Did that mean that they did not trust their partners?'. The answers were as varied as the ocean is deep, but with a common theme of exasperation at my brazenness. 'How could I dare link the two?', 'It's not that they did not trust HIM, they did not trust HER'. I ran like the wind to get out of there... Proverbial bullet-proof vest or not, they were acting like women scorned and they had not even met Alan!
After that, I was no closer to finding the solution that would put my mind at rest. But instead of risking life and limb again, I decided to look closer to home - I asked myself 'What would I do in that position?' I weighed up whether my marriage was more likely to break-down because of my lack of trust or, because of an ex that was probably less of a threat to me, than I was to the staff in Next, during the mid-season sale! My mind ran back over the employee that nearly lost a finger during a 5am stampede and my question was answered. Not only did these women not trust their men enough, but they could not even admit their own insecurities.
Secure in my thinking that I had the answer all women needed, I wished that I could find Emma and tell her to let it go, but in a lucid moment, I knew that she and Alan would be long gone. I decided it was just as well as I am sure that the advice of a random, looney stranger that had been eavesdropping on a lovers tiff, was the last thing they would have welcomed.
I took a deep breath and moved on to what was to be the bain of my life for the next few days - could I really expect 100% of the compensation as promised on the Claims Direct advert? My mission was set. I fired up the laptop 'Dear Claims Direct....'.
[End]
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17 comments:
mmm... deep Thought...I wonder if Alan made the same request of her?
Sam that was an amazing article, quite interesting as many people today seem to be addicted to Facebook. What looks like harmless fun does however have an ugly side.
I agrre that a wedding ring doesn't been you belong to your partner and can no longer have friends, but you have to ask yourself the question WHY? Why does an EX need to keep in contact? It's for one reason and one reason only - tehy haven't gotten over them, and might be hoping there's still a chance.
Another thought.. Would she honour the same request by Alan? Hmmm.. I wonder!
But I must say, I thought Alan could have done a little bit more to soften Emma. Just to state that he wasn't accountable is always the easy way out, without facing potential problems.
Love the article and frightenly true.
hmmm.. I wonder if my ex is on facebook???
lol
It's a humourous text, all right, Sam ;)
Quite liked the way you wrote about the well-known facebook and how can a simple program get into the old problem of 'exes' in a relationship.
That discussion is not that unusual, and I think that there are many couples arguing about the exact same thing!
Great begining, Sammy girl! Hope to read you soon.
About facebook or maybe hi5!
I think it can be an uncomfortable position for certain couples - it can really play on an individuals mind.
My long term and serious boyfriend accepted a friendship from his ex, of course I was upset at first but then I realised that it doesn't mean anything because I've accepted friend requests from most of my exes!! I don't mind neither does my boyfriend. It depends on how upsetting it is for the individual - I mean if my boyfriend turned round and told me that he was uncomfortable with it, I would tell him to see the light side of it - it's not like I'm cheating on him or doing anything harming to our relationship - but as individuals we're both very relaxed people so something like this would seem very minor...it's just an ex - I wouldn't dream going back to them because I love being with my boyfriend, and I'm positive that he wouldn't leave me for any of his exes either...it may all boil down to trust and jealousy
Love the article sam, hmm i think i agree with this women i think the male mind responds differently when it comes to exes and women respond differently to taken men i dnt know why this is but i think its true.
Iv got a few exes on my facebook however if my fella so much as even set up a facebook account id chop his balls of.lol
Great article Sammi, made me think about my own situation. My fiance is still in touch with most of his exes and to be honest it doesn't bother me. At the end of the day I'm the one who he proposed to and that's all I need to know, if his exes were all that he wouldn't be with me! I don't have to trust them, I trust him and that's all that matters.
I think what it comes down to is the couple. Once they have set the foundations within there relationship, there would be no hang ups. A simple issue like that of an ex wouldn't be able to unsettle the solid partnership.
If He/She never made there partners feel unappreciated, un loved and made them feel vulnerable, then this issue is going to raise its ugly head.
Great blog Sam, your writing gets better and stronger. Love reading ur articles.
well Sam, firstly I have to say "it's an very interesting topic, sorry I missed out on the recent girlie catch up, as I would of enjoyed putting my 2pence in as you know!".
In regards to what I think, well...I have been there in the way of keeping close and in touch with my Ex and visa versa. And the main reason for this was, plain and simple (though un-spoken) deep down, I/we were under the hope of rekindling what we once had.....deep down the question was, was it well and truly over. I think to help one move on, both or one of the parties needed to make it clear that there was no going back and also if in a new relationship, express that it was serious and its best to cut all ties!.
At the time of this taking place, their was a new partner involved and they expressed that it was cool for us to keep in touch.............I am sure they did not really want us to be and I would not of blamed them.
As it stands, this was a long long looooooooooooooog time ago and we have both long moved on...............looking back, we both knew in our hearts of heart that it was never going to work, going back too what we first had when we first met, as so much had passed between us and plus there was another involved now. We are No longer in touch...........but note, at the time, this could of easily of ended up differently!.
The only time I would consider an Ex remaining in my partners life, would be if there was a child involved and in this instant, its not really consider, it has to go without saying (though I must say, I am going through this at the moment (who mentioned Karma - ha ha) and it brings its own obstacles (maybe you can do a write up on this one next Sammi (hee hee)). Otherwise, for me ............ in the way of partners and Ex keeping in touch, it has to be a No No. Why put temptation in ones path, though I trust them, it does not make sense to me, them needing to keep in contact. So make it easier for both parties and keep the past in the past ..........meaning an X should not be on facebook etc, it starts there and stops where.
As I said, just my experience and thought/opinion!..x
P.S - Excellent write up Sammi.
Sam,
Firstly, I loved the article!
Secondly I must say my first reaction was 'no way would I be happy if my husband had his ex on his Friends list'.
However after reading your article again I have a completely changed my opinion.
I think you are 100% on the mark with regard to Our own insecurities as women.
I feel that it is something we need to think about as individuals.
If you are in a loving and trustworthy relationship these trivial things in life shouldn't cause any animosity.
The 'EX' is an 'EX' for a reason...
Everyone is accountable for his or her own actions..
If a man or woman is tempted to play away from home with an ex or anyone else, getting the hump or putting your partner under close observation will not achieve anything.
I think trust and insecurity is something that we all need to work on... including myself (being honest).
Anyway, well done great article and miss you tons !!!!!
Worded really well, this article's brilliant and very relevant. I'm sure this subject must be on thousands of arguing couples' lips!
Personally, I think it depends who the ex is - for example if it was a silly fling that lasted a couple weeks or months then it probably wouldn't bother me but if it was their first true love who they dated for years then I'd be extremely uncomfortable. Not because I'd be scared they'd want to rekindle their lost love, but it brings home the fact that you know your partner had something deep and meaningful before they'd met you. It's prob. not justifiable but it hurts to think your partner's shared a closeness with someone else; I'm not talking about the physical, but more the mental aspect which in most cases deepens the longer the relationship lasted.
So is it right to add an ex? Well I wouldn't do it. For one, I know it would not go down well with my hubs. Not that I bow down to his every command but I respect him and I'd like to think he would agree that anything that will cause unnecessary upset in your marriage is not worth entertaining, simple as! A marriage is a serious partnership and should not be second to your own indulgences. Secondly, I can't think think why I would want to be in touch with any of my exes and there are just some things that should be left in the past!
Erm, i think its always the "other" person you dont trust - Ex's are evil, thats why i dont have any!!!
Some Ex's stay friends if they were friends from before, but most aren't. Some women can b sly tho u nuh - movin in on men when they're in a relationship, tryna distract em!! Then again some ppl dont hold the morals we do so let them try n snatch our men - IT WONT WORK - Not that we'd fight or anythin ghastly like that (lol)... Two simple words,don't even have to swear: BACK OFF!!?? Am i right? (yes)
Hi Sam
loved the article
quite simply we women are too insecure...myself included...insecure and suspicious....if our fellas love us then thats what matters....if he's gonna cheat he's gonna cheat with or without a facebook account...at least with facebook she can she whats been posted. Either way we shouldnt put restrictions on who our partners can or cant b friends with, cos if the shoe were on the other foot we would accuse them of being controlling and posessive.
Hey, Sam - great article. I agree she should let it go and build a bit of trust - but maybe Alan could have been a little more sympathetic in his response!
Good luck with Claims Direct...!
It's not just a matter of who is right or wrong! It is common sense. You know how insecure most Females are! (OOOpppSS!)
I think it is more a question of doing what you need to do (common sense)in order to nurture a mutually trusting and confident relationship.If you know he/she would be suspecious, then if you say you love that person, give up the past 'exes' and focus on your new present life and happiness.
What's so hard about cutting links with someone you you either gave up or who gave up on you?
Omg this article was like you had been evesdropping on some of my thoughts (if someone created a machine to do that, it would probably be you, by the way). I have had such problems in previous relationships with internet relations, and so has nearly everyone I know. This by the way is not just young people or from particular age ranges... i'm talking, several countries and ranges of ages. I have so much to say on this subject, I could probably fill a webpage..no actually a website! with all my experiences and oppinions on it. But one thing I can openly admit is this; We all have insecurities and worries, these websites can definatley bring forth these, also linking ex's, is really down to the sensibilty of the couple.
But personally, I wouldnt feel comfy with it, because I would be would be worried of the outcome, and it does take two to tango, so clearly it would depend on the trust between me and my partner.
If however there is a problem here in the first place, maybe we are not right for each other, after all, our jobs should be to love, comfort and secure each other in relationships?
Here's the scenario - You get talking, you find you get on with a person, so you exchange emails, your talking on msn every night, you exchange mobile numbers and get to talking, next minute your meeting up at a bar, dressed to the nines, when you realise how different they look compared to the pics they showed you, and before you know it, your back at their house and have finished a bottle of liquor betweem you over a hilarious conversation... wat happens next??? You have the best sex you've had in a while and have a cheeky grin on your face at work, for the rest of the day! Lol
Or So i've heard...LOL
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